Dream within a dream? or Reality in Denial?

Its almost a year and in 115 days im going to ORD and be free yet...All this still feels as if its a dream. And i just cant seem to wake up and face reality.hmm

Some unspoken words lies within that i ve longed wanted to say but hmm.

Anyway just another rant.

Not everybody get the way i feel
The nooks and crany of my heart
The ins and outs of my inner self
The uncontrollable wave inside me

Its not that i do not want
Nor the fact that i do not care
its just not me
Uts the thing i do that defines me

Its not that i do not like single lyfe
Nor its that im going after a r/s
But my heart is overflowing with love
Just for the sake of caring and showering love

I know that the state im in
Is very confusing and hard to subtle with
Its like a huge burning fire inside
Or a huge wave that coincides

My heart and mind are saying different things
One wishes to remain single and free
while the other wishes to have someone for me
But they both agree that im not ready for either

What is so hard
I never did understand
What is so tough
I never could imagine

But what i do realise
I live for myself rite now
For my family and god
And that i guess is above all.

:)

Hey world :)

I am happier now.
I finally saw your true colours my dear past.
And im happy to say it aint beautiful no more.
I have moved on now knowing what i lost was damn worth it.

You aint meant for me and thats what HE has been trying to show me :)
I have NEVER posted any bad comments about you and yet u were disappointing.
And i stop believing in the fact that the past comments wasnt about me. coz i stop trusting you now.

I tried to think you were worth it and you were nice enuf not to do bad things but oh boy was i wrong.
And by saying i din even sacrifise just for you? Thats it my fren. After all i did and that was what you said? hehe

My heart is finally free now.
I was in deep trouble trying to fall for someone whom my heart has lyk for so long.
Because ur memories stopped me from falling in love all over again.
And also to the fact that i do not want to be unfair to her.
But you moved on fairly easily. :)

For someone else.
It has been hard for this past 8 months.
I never really told you because i din ever want to burden you
Whats with troubles within you and your heart
And the never lasting lies and deceit from other guys.

I never wanted you to fall all over again
I wanted you to fully trust me before i could go on.
And i wasnt really ready for anything
But now that i moved on, i can really try.

For 6 months now that i knew you
I lyked you ever since i first met you.
And yet i never could admit because i fear of myself.
And never had i found someone so similar to me.

Someone whom i cld relate my lyfe to
Despite not needing me to share my stories
I already knew how similar you were to me
But pardon me for not admiting how much u meant to me.

As and when u ask how long i would be your fren
I cldnt really answer for i do not wish to lie
For i did wish we cld be more than frens
But not now as both of us aint ready.

And to the fact that you couldnt ride a bike
I respect that truly
And i wud take public any day just to be with you
All because of how much u actually meant to me

Thru u i actually learned alot.
Now i strive to achieve the best for myself
To be stable before truly going after you
And to be able to say im ready soon enuf.

Thank you my fren
Someday ill admit to you
But for now please have Patience
When the time comes and fate decides, ill be there for you forever as and when i could :)

Am i turning 22?

Heylo people!

I know i dun update frequently and only when i felt lyk it.
And today is just one of those days.

a year ago, it was just soo different. I felt as if i was on top of the world. Happy, satisfied and so looking forward to May 13 but today, it just seems lyk another normal day.

And tomorrow too will be another normal day. I just feel as if i was raise so high up and dropped all the way down. It just feels sooo empty. A birthday off? hmm looks lyk ill be spending my time in the library the whole day reading or something... i cant figure it out yet hehe.

However i am thankful of one thing. And i believe its enuf to be satisfied of my bday this yr in 2010. And that is knowing you. The girl with an awesome attitude and a pretty smile and a special accented-voice :) Beautiful.

Its okae if i dun have the chance to get close or to even know u better yet. Ill try but only HE decides whats best for you. Knowing you for this 5 months helped me face many fears and troubles.

No matter how tml goes, at least im thankful i survived. Its sad really. I wished nothing changed last yr till this but i guess HE has better plans for her. I guess ill just have to move on.

Thank you Allah S.W.T

This was dated November 15, 2009

Hmm i wanted to pull the memories of the past down from my facebook NOTES as i was hiding it all along. however some memories are best to be kept, not because i cldnt move on but because it reminds me of what made me who i am today.

So for memory keepsake, i shall store it here.
----------------------------------------------------------
YOU.

For all i know and realise
Nothing in this world ever mattered
Nothing at all not even myself
I never learnt to care nor to love

That is till i met YOU
You taught me what it is to be humble
To care and to love
To realise that i am nothing by myself

You are the world to me
Nothing and i really mean nothing
Scares me more than losing you
It feels lyk its the end for me

You are what kept me going
The one that made me move
The one that made me realise
that i can make a difference

Please do not think that you were a hindrance
The truth is that you are my fuel
Without you i ll stop moving
I truly deeply need you.

I know that im not good enuf for you
And i truly apologise
I try my best to be someone
But you are always good enuf for me.

Please do not leave me
unless you truly have a good reason
Maybe if you really stop loving me
Or you found your mr Right
Then i have no right to stop you

But please do note that
You truly are my everything
And i truly beg you please do not leave me hanging
And i know you dun tink that i am trying

But truth be told i always am giving and trying my best for you.
Please give me a second chance at the very least ?
For i truly love you like there's no other.























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And this below was dated May 12 2009, Just 4 days more to one year old and one day before my birthday.

Shd anyone ask what makes my beautiful day
Its not the sun nor the moon
Its something underneath the clouds
Its just you my beautiful one :)

The one who shines and
Light up my gloomy days
The one who darkens the sun and
makes it just right.

Shd anyone ask what was i referring to
Its not just anyone that was in my mind
Its just something that simplifies my lyfe
Its just you my sweetest one :)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Now goodbye my old love. Its time i truly move on just the same as how you had aldy done so.

Its time to bury my memories and start planting the seeds to a new future.

hmm(2)

its been a long while isnt it.

I did some quiz before and found out some things that it said were true... About love that is. Ill only stay truthful and in love only when the other half still loves me and have feelings for me. Should some day she loses those, i am crushed of coz because i wud never stop loving someone that i truly love should she still loves me but should the day comes that she lost that feeling... Its gone. ill fall of coz greatly for quite ahwhile but the will come when i realise that to truly love, u have to let go...
If she is meant for you she'll come back if not let it free.

And slowly ill stop loving her myself and totally lose everything and start anew. i realise that its no use to keep that feelings since its now very one sided and hurting me alot. So why bother rite? let it go of coz haha. ill miss her, i really will lyk now haha but its okae the feelings gone though. I just hope she realises that i dun feel she made the right decision but then again who am i to say those rite?

I dunno i feel that i was perfect for her coz i dun believe she can find guys lyk me easily whom truly loves... yes i know im not perfect but there are things that i can really change if u put ur mind and will to make me change u know. if u think by just running away and hope to find a much better or equal guy... i wish u luck though it would hurt to see u get hurt in the future for not everyone will be as nice as me for not hurting ur feelings or letting u go.

well im sorry for ranting out, just thought its been ahwhile since i last shared my heart content. And as for now i am satisfyingly moving on heh and no im not happy but at least i am okae. I realise my life is empty now. I dun blame you for this but i realise i spend too much time with you that i lost track of all my old frens and i have to slowly get them back now and spend countless of times being alone. Since you hated gathering with ppl and meeting them just to lepak, now i have trouble getting back on their circle of frens. Sheesh im lonely haha. And no i dun blame you.

Hmm something random. I saw a fren asked whats "true love" and from what i read, it just stated things that ppl wants to hear while being in love haha. Its not the truth people its just something that will make you ppl feel good while reading it... Haha i came out with the real definition of those and i din replied to that fren coz i din want to burst their bubble heh.

Here goes... *oh crap its at work place haha i guess ill reupdate this part when im at work*

Anyway lets continue.. hmm lyfe's been fine actually. I am moving on along just fine and looking on the bright side of lyfe here. Only around 8 months to ORD oh ! haha still a very long time but its okae i guess. After that its work + study for me and i know ppl will be thinking thats hard! yes i know it is but i just cant lay down and take 2 -3 yrs to study while earning nothing or very little all this while... Right now i have no cpf and a savings of less than 2000. which sux.

Look on the bright side while studying and working, ill have the income to live a better lyfe. :)
And i have this new dream today. instead of saving up to buy a car... instead i shall first save up to bring my parents and my lil brother overseas for a holiday on MY TREAT! haha. any where will do ... maybe a drive to genting? or maybe fly to bangkok? haha it depends. (Though i still very much hope my dad buys a car haha)

As for having another half... i guess itll take ahwhile... took me years to get ain and sufina and it sure will take a long time to get another.Im glad both of em is doing fine in their lives though, one an ICA and the other some sort of kindergarten or nursery teacher? haha. Alhamdulillah... May Allah s.w.t bless them with good life ahead.

As for a certain someone, i dunno she has this very identical personality as i did and im starting to move forward but yet before i even made any move if feels lyk she just brought me down or as they say Shunted me away before i came. haha. Well i was down this few days thinking abt if i should back away and not disturb her or did lyk what i did with ain and move on and stay strong. Well it all started with frens before one starts to fall in love rite?

I din made a move earlier because i felt guilty of moving on too fast... The thot of betraying my previous and also the thot that she mite be a rebound but when i realise you moved on faster than i did, i realise its all just me and my feelings. My conscience as they say it.. Now i guess i can move on with a clear conscience. 3 months, no move and shunted. oh cool! haha

I guess the reason why is because i can relate well with you. You had a bad past and yet ur stronger than before and you stayed strong without stereotyping guys. Thats some attitude that moved me and i had always fallen for people with whom i can relate too and also help to stand up and you seem to fall within that category and ur personality is just awesome as well.

I know u aint ready and so am i so i guess ill continue going slowly coz i hope shd there be a next one i wish for it to last till eternity though who am i to say rite? Thats just me... i hope every one whom i fall for will be the last and i wun stop loving her till she stops loving me. Thats just how i am. If i had fallen for you truly... there is nothing to stop that feelings.....

Im lonely. period. and with my looks and height... i need to put in a LOT of extra effort to get someone.

Haish~

Biarlah Rahsia,
Hatiku senyap dipinta
Hidupku sunyi dimata
Jiwaku seorang saja

While i was lost in the nothingness
I waited and waited for you
But you never came
Yet u never even called.

Drown in the sea of hope
There was never you at all
Its just fallen hope all around
Drowning me deeper within.

Its all about dreams
Never about reality
As we know dreams dun come true
And reality just brings us down

Dreams kept reality alive
even though we know its far fetched
At least it brought hope in us
And helps us move along

Hmm

And the world is cruel and cold.
Just so you know.

As i heard the stories told
And all the problems unfold
All my confidence are sold
As we know the world is cold.

As i sat by watching the beauty of this world, i realise that not everything is as it seems.
I realize that i am lucky to be in this family of mine. With everything complete.

Not everyone has this luxury to be in this kind of family... Some doesnt have a complete one at all. While others only has themselves with no siblings and just a mum. Others have divorced parents.

Why am i not thankful enough? Why do i feel that the problems surrounding me is too much when its nothing compared to theirs? Others are not brought up without the love of a father. And yet they fought their way through.

Problems as i used to say are avoidable though its inevitable. We cant run away from them coz they will keep hunting us as we go along.

I had to take time off this two days coz i cldnt take it. Whats with her and those status in fb which hurts me like nobody business. Dun she realise the reason why my status are either neutral or nothing at all? Its to care for her feelings. I din even wrote the wish to forget her or anything. And yet u wish to erase your past.ME.

The only reason i moved on was because u said it would never be the same. Do u even think i was that capable of moving on? I dun understand why it hurts u so much. Have u ever thought of the fact that if it hurts u that much, it would hurts me at least twice of what u felt? u left me.

Hmm. What made matters worst. I tried to take time off my going to the dam but the friend whom was with me, made it worst by making me listen to a painful song. and asking me to be quiet at the same time? Only God knows how i felt then. And yesterday at work, she even became mean to the point i just had to leave.

I just had to retract back to my shell. U know the point of when u just felt u want to be alone and not be bothered by anyone at all? haha that was how i felt.

I just wish i could run away. Having feelings for someone new hurts as well. Coz u may never know how it will all turn out all over again. Even though i may wish for it, But the pain is unbearable. Hmm i fear that its unfair to both. And i fear that rejection i never had for 3 years.

Ouh im getting back to the right path now. Hopefully to change for the better.

I dunno why my head feels lyk spinning around rite now. hehe.

Oh well lets leave that all behind shall we?

The troubles that seem here to stay
Are making my head dizzy and sway
The smile that i once thot i had
Is running away as it once did

A smile so true yet so fake
A happiness that just fade
A smart mind without any use
And lastly romance of nothingness.

Blame it on me.

I know im imperfect
I know im full of flaws
I know i lack many things
But ill never stop loving myself.

Forgive me for all that i have done
Be it big small medium or huge
For all i know
I tried my best to be better

Seandai benar aku tidak cukup sifat
Tegurlah diriku.
Seandai aku telah melakukan terbaik
Pujilah diriku.
Seandai aku telah berdosa,
Maafilah aku.
Dan seandai bila aku sudah tiada
Do'a kan lar diriku.

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Parts of what im able to rewrite again.. hopefully slowly itll come back soon.